This Is Me Trying

Confession: I'm afraid of not living up to my 'potential'.

Call it what you want: Immigrant Guilt, Gifted Kid Syndrome, the Crushing Disillusionment of Adulthood...

Whatever it is, it is something, and I’m getting frustrated with the way it steals my joy.

Essentially, I feel like people have always expected great things from me. And perhaps more significantly, I have always expected great things for myself. I want to win awards for my writing! I want to spread kindness and save the planet and change the world. I want to make my parents’ sacrifices “worth it”, and I don’t want my years of education to be a waste of time.

I thought that if I kept doing the steps required of me (get good grades, go to college, get a job…), the life of my dreams would naturally fall into place. But while I have many things to be grateful for, Unemployed and Living with My Parents is not where I pictured I'd be in 2023. It doesn’t feel like the circumstance of someone poised to accomplish incredible things.

What I've discovered is that I have absolutely no idea how to be extraordinary. I am wired to be ordinary! On a daily basis, I care more about what I’m having for lunch than the next article I told myself I would write. I like watching movies with my family, having picnics with friends, and baking cookies; these things come naturally to me.

I definitely don't know how to do my taxes without crying, or how to write The Next Great American Novel, or how to network. Somehow, this feels like a failure of epic proportions.

To deal with this fear and guilt, which I've concluded is unnecessary and unhealthy, I have given myself two goals:

1) Remember that ordinary is always enough.

Because it is! At my core, I am merely a soul created to love. Even the simplest existence can be fulfilling, meaningful, and beautiful. So if I only accomplish a slightly yummier cookie recipe and spend my time singing silly songs with my loved ones, that will have been enough.

2) Embrace the mindset of an idiot who has to learn everything from scratch.

So what if I don't know how to do any of the amazing things I want to accomplish? I bet I can figure it out. Man has accomplished incredible feats with willpower alone. I vow to fall in love with learning! I will embrace my superhero training montage era, study up in the library, and keep practicing until something works. I will wear my cloak of humility and ask for help along the way. I will be brave enough to try.

If I were feeling more whimsical today, I might include lyrics from Shakira's Zootopia single, “Try Everything”, to act as an anthem for this new season of my life. But I just can't bring myself to do it.

So instead, I will stay true to myself and include more Taylor Swift excerpts (yay)! The song “This Is Me Trying” is more somber, but also more poignant. It speaks to the sadness, fear, and difficulty behind trying over and over again:

I've been having a hard time adjusting

I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back

I have a lot of regrets about that

Pulled the car off the road to the lookout

Could’ve followed my fears all the way down

And maybe I don’t quite know what to say

But I’m here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying…

Wish me luck,

Anika