In Defense of Not Having a Best Friend

Confession: I don't have a best friend.

*cue Cady from Mean Girls voice over*: In girl world, not having a best friend is a totally unforgivable, life-ending sin.

Now obviously, I'm exaggerating. I'm sorry, I've been clickbait-y recently with my article introductions... But it's for a purpose!

In our weakest moments, we can believe the most outrageous things about the world and ourselves. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep over something, only to wake up and realize it just... wasn't that big of a deal? I definitely have.

Waterworks aside, untrue thoughts can negatively affect our peace of mind. And I do think a lot of girls grow up with the misconception that having a best friend is a necessary, crowning achievement. One person who knows you better than anyone else; who is by your side through thick and thin, who outlasts all your boyfriends and bad dates, who will be the maid-of-honor at your wedding.

Dare I say: we almost put as many expectations on a best friend as we put on a romantic partner. We expect perfection from a human who will inevitably be imperfect.

For the people who find themselves in a best friendship, forgiveness becomes part of the process of keeping your best friend over time. And when enacted, the result is so beautiful that I'd call it sacred.

But this is not quite my story, and I think many other people will be able to relate.

While there have certainly been stages of my life during which I could confidently say I had a best friend, the term has become more malleable over time. After growing up, moving to new places, meeting new people, and starting new hobbies, my circle has shifted and expanded. I don't feel like I can call anyone my 'best friend'; either they're closer to someone else instead of me, or labeling them my best friend would feel like a cruel omission of another important friend in my life.

Part of me can bemoan what feels like lack. Lack of my BFF. Lack of my one true soul sister!

But I have been working on shifting towards a perspective of abundance.

How wonderful that instead of having just one friend who knows me deeply, I have many friends that share pieces of my soul? I have different friends who hold memories of different seasons of my life, different places that I've lived, different activities that I've explored... How lucky that I have gotten to know so many different types of people, all over the world.

I also find resilient strength in these numbers. Often, one of my closest friends will go through a busy season, and I will miss them fiercely. Sometimes I'll resent their absence, or blame them for 'not caring enough'. But in truth, we have all been guilty of getting absorbed in our own lives, and it is not necessarily a friendship crime. Sometimes friends can use time apart to learn new things, and reunite with renewed excitement. And while one friend draws away, perhaps I can grow closer to another.

I'd like to emphasize that this is not an endorsement for having a proliferation of shallow friendships. To this day, I would categorize my circle of true, deep friendships as quite small.

However, it is an encouragement to not get hung up on the idea of 'the one' best friend. If having one best friend comes naturally to you, then it is a gift! But if you find yourself in something that might be described as a very close trio, or a few distinct soul-sisters, then surely there is beauty to be discovered there.

I have happily embraced a slightly looser 'best friend' titling. I may not have one singular twin flame, but I have a few best friends. Some have known me for ages, and saw me through all my growing up. Some have lived with me, and seen me cry over 15-page essay assignments. Some share my passions. Some share my dreams.

They are all lovely, and wonderful, and I cherish them. To rank them would be an insult; to measure their value would be impossible. Instead, I widen my hug and deepen my gratitude. Love, when pursued in health, knows only increase. And I will love all my best friends as much as I can.